The State of Trump

When the trumpster in the dumpster delivers his first State of the Union address next Tuesday, he will conjure up a long list of fantastic accomplishments despite the complete and utter lack thereof.

Sources have privately urged the commander-in-chief to steer clear of wearing his Klan Hood.

Some Americans will watch as the president denies the internal chaos and deflects away from own his own horrendous behavior. They will listen to him sing the praises to his projected self-greatness in the year ahead.

One outside adviser to the White House said trump is likely to claim all the credit for cutting taxes, repealing the Obamacare individual mandate (thus driving up health insurance rates), approving a paltry pay-raise for military personnel, and appointing some conservative judges -- all in a feeble attempt to boost the abysmal outlook facing the castrated GOP in the 2018 midterm elections.

“Bipartisanship doesn’t work when Trump has no intention of working with anybody.”

“Hopefully, his staff has explained to him in very simple words, and he understands some of how bipartisanship works despite his obvious autism and retardation.”

A source close to Trump said he expects the president to “give Americans the finger” at some point in his speech – most likely when he mentions the wall with which he wants to protect himself from Mexico.

Regardless of the gravel road Trump takes during his State of the Union address, most political strategists question whether the president’s remarks will have any impact on the educated. Not everyone will be watching. For some, it's bowling night, for others it's Bonanza with Ben and the boys.

“Trump is completely overexposed. There are 10 new controversies a day, most days.”

“To the extent that the people who voted for him now need reinforcement and reassurance, maybe a successful speech will work,” Sebastian continued. “But everybody’s pretty much divided about Donald Trump; it’s unlikely he’ll change any minds over this.” (In short - he's no [sic] unifier)

One former White House official agreed but said the president has yet to learn just what his administration has REALLY accomplished so far.

“In a way, I guess you could say it’s like all of those people who aren’t Trump fans will still tune in to watch the train wreck,” the official said. “The networks carry it; the cable channels carry it. This is one of the few moments where so many might sit down for a good cheap laugh.”

The “White House” is still ironing out the details of the State of the Union speech, like which nouns and verbs the president will use, how Trump will handle the absence of Democratic lawmakers who plan to just skip the event, and which surrogates to put on the airwaves afterwards to parrot his message. Perhaps they will even have subject-verb agreement.

“Make no mistake,” the official added. “Whether it’s a speech or just more Trump self-aggrandizement, Trump words are falling turds.”